I planned for my first post to be a love letter written to my mom on the one year anniversary of her death. When the time came, I couldn’t write it. I wasn’t ready. I told myself I’d do it on the second anniversary, in an effort to give myself more time.
Then year two came and I realized that I still didn’t have the words. As time rounds the corner into three years since I lost my mother, I continue trying to figure out how I feel and how I can express those feelings. I decided, for now, to borrow the words of others. They were not spoken from my lips nor written by my hand but they feel like me.
“The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly.”~F. Scott Fitzgerald
The Great Gatsby
“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.”~Stephen Chbosky
The Perks of Being a Wallflower
“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in.”~Haruki Murakami
“She wasn’t doing a thing that I could see, except standing there leaning on the balcony railing, holding the universe together.”~J.D. Salinger
A Girl I Knew
“I see people, as they approach me, trying to make up their minds whether they’ll ‘say something about it’ or not. I hate if they do, and if they don’t.”~C.S. Lewis
“345 days. I woke up a week ago early in the morning and tried to call your cell phone-forgetting that I can’t anymore. How is it possible I still do that? I don’t know. It doesn’t get easier, we just learn to hide our grief better because it makes so many people so uncomfortable. Our culture avoids any and all reminders of death and mortality - it’s still one of the ultimate taboos. I love you so much Dad, I’m not ashamed I still miss you terribly. I’m still searching for meaning and God’s plan in all of it. I’m dreading 20 days from now like I’m bracing for a flood to come.”~Meghan McCain